Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
Exodus 20:12

Introduction

Is there anything more shocking in the news than when you read of parents killing their children? This week Gilberta Estrada, a Forth Worth single mother, hanged herself and her four girls ages 5, 3, 2, and 8 months. The baby survived. A story like that makes one feel sick to one’s stomach. Equally disturbing is when a child kills his or her parents. According to a Psychology Today article entitled, “Why Kids Kill Parents,� from 1977 and 1986, more than 300 parents were killed each year by their own children. This is deeply unnerving because it goes against the nature of how we know life should be. In God’s world, there is an order. Parents adoringly bring their children into the world to nurture and care for them, despite the hardships that come alongside parenting. Children respect and honor parents, despite the angst that also comes with sinful parents. So when this order is overturned, something far more destructive happens than most realize. Our world is shattered with fear, anger, and sin and our society, our culture, our church, our nation, and our world is drastically affected.

When we are more fixated on honoring ourselves rather than honoring God as the only God, then the very fabric of humanity is threatened. And once again, this commandment, like the others, is another aspect of God’s grace for a sinful world. So let’s explore this commandment together by first examining the reverse of this commandment, what happens when father and mother are not honored in our world?

Father and Mother Without Honor

When this commandment is ignored, there is a breakdown of humanity. The Bible is so clear on this. Proverbs 28:24 says: “Whoever robs his father or his mother and says, “That is no transgression,� is a companion to a man who destroys.� If people are willing to abuse and harm their own parents, then there really is no one they will spare. This can only lead to a destruction not just of the family, but ultimately humanity as well. This is why Romans 1:28-30 lists disobedience to parents as an indicator of one who has completely turned their back on God. Paul also writes to Timothy these words: “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy� (2 Tim 3:1-2).

Not only is there a breakdown of humanity, but alongside with this is the breakdown of authority. Honoring father and mother can also be looked upon as an honoring of God-placed authorities in our lives. For example, the king was referred to as “father� by the Israelites (1 Sam 24:11). Elisha called his master prophet Elijah his father (2 Kings 2:12). Surely, Paul had in mind this commandment when he wrote about submission to governing authorities in Romans 13. And then, Paul calls himself a father to the Thessalonian church (1 Thess 4:11-12). So whether it is church leadership, governmental leadership, even work leadership, this commandment really demands our submission to authority so long as it does not countermand God’s authority. When there is a breakdown of this commandment in family and in society, you can clearly see the parallel breakdown in authority of any kind. If children are raised in a home environment where parental honoring is non-existent, it makes sense that the child will be disruptive in class, get in trouble with the law, and fail to honor God. So if this is life without an honoring of father and mother, what does honoring one’s father and mother look like?

Honor Your Father in Mother

First, honoring your father and mother is a weighty matter, literally. The word ‘honor’ is the Hebrew word kuvod which means ‘heavy, weighty.’ So we can read verse 12 to read, “Give heavy weight to how you deal with your parents.� The Lord knows that the first way we can veer away from honoring God is by making light our relationship to our parents. They are the first point of authority in any person’s life. Before a person knows anything about God, they know their parents. And so, the Bible holds this relationship with the utmost sanctity and the consequences of breaking this relationship are very dire. Thus, the Bible deals with those who break this commandment very severely in the OT:

Lev 19:1-3: “And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, 2 “Speak to all the congregation of the people of Israel and say to them, You shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy. 3 Every one of you shall revere his mother and his father, and you shall keep my Sabbaths: I am the Lord your God.�

Deut 21:18-19, 21: “If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, 19 then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, … 21 Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Proverbs 30:17: “The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures.�

Children who do not honor their parents will leave behind every point of authority and then at that point, all of society and humanity are at risk. And of course, such a rebellion will have a complete utter disregard for God Himself. Cultural Critic Annie Gottleib, a person of the sixties, had this to say about the family and society: “We might not have been able to tear down the state, but the family was closer. We could get our hands on it. And…we believed that the family was the foundation of the state, as well as the collective state of mind…We truly believed that the family had to be torn apart to free love, which alone could heal the damage done when the atom was split to release energy. And the first step was to tear ourselves free from our parents.� (Philip Ryken, Written in Stone, 117)

God is staving off a tidal wave of complete chaos and utter rebellion against Him and His creation by graciously providing this commandment and then making certain that it is followed. Sadly, we don’t want to trust in Him and so rebellion against Him through sin naturally leads to rebellion against parents.

Second, honoring your father and mother is extremely beneficial to us. Look at the rest of verse 12: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.� Paul tells us in Eph 6:2 that this is the first commandment with a promise. And the promise, originally here to the Israelites, is universalized to the church. When children honor their fathers and mothers, God is gracious to them. And you will find that barring exceptions generally speaking to those who are faithful to this commandment, God’s promise rings true. Commentator Matthew Henry explains:

Those who, in conscience towards God, keep this and the rest of God’s commandments, may be sure that it shall go well with them, and that they shall live as long on earth as Infinite Wisdom sees good for them, and that what they may seem to be cut short of on earth shall be abundantly made up in eternal life, the heavenly Canaan which God will give them.

(Matthew Henry, Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the Whole Bible (Gen to Deut), 286)

Third, honoring your father and mother includes both father and mother. The ‘and’ in “Honor your father AND mother� is important. We do not have the right to pick and choose which parent to honor. We can’t say that our father is more caring or our mother has spent more time with us. God has given us both father and mother and we are commanded to honor both. I know this can raise the question, “What if one of my parents are not deserving of my honor? What if by honoring my father or my mother, I dishonor God Himself?

Let me give you an illustration. Alistair Begg tells the story of Thomas Hazard. He was a very influential man in both church and government in the 1700s. As a young man, after committing his life to Christ, he believed slavery was against God’s law. Thus, he held petitions that asked New England slaveholders, including his own father, to free their slaves.

The slaveholders were outraged and his father was angry and felt betrayed by his son. In his father’s eyes, Thomas had made him a fool in front of his peers. Thomas asked his father for forgiveness telling him that even though he done what he believed what was right before God, he did not take into consideration his father’s honor. He told his father that while he would not change his conviction he would be willing to do whatever it took to restore his father’s honor.

His father was moved by his son’s humility and genuine apology and even though they were on opposite sides of the slavery issue, they were still close. Thomas’ work led to the New England colonial legislatures to be the first states after the Revolution to prohibit slavery. For Thomas Hazard, the question was, “How can I see the wrong my father is doing AND still find a way to honor him?� (Alistair Begg, Pathway to Freedom, 117) For many, the question that is usually asked is, “How can I honor my father when he is a drunk, lazy, abusive, a cheater, non-caring?� It’s far too easy to throw out the fifth commandment without even an attempt to honor our parents.

Jesus the Perfect Child for Imperfect Children

I know that when I examine this commandment closely in light of my own life, I see the many ways in which I have failed this commandment. Perhaps being a father, I understand some of the many challenges my parents faced in raising three children, especially when they couldn’t speak the language of the dominant culture. I remember an argument my mother and I were having and I used all sorts of expletives at her knowing that she didn’t know what those words were. By God’s mercy, I am not living in biblical Israel, or I should have been stoned for my foul mouth towards my mom. But like all of the commandments, we cannot perfectly keep this commandment. Again, to keep them perfectly, I would have to keep them perfectly in my heart as well. Philip Ryken asks some good questions to see if we are keeping the 5th commandment:

1. Do you ever talk back to your parents?
2. Do you ever hide anything from them?
3. Do you ever silently curse them?
4. Do you speak well of your parents?
5. Are you taking the time to strengthen your relationship with them?
6. Are you giving them the care they need and the honor they deserve for their position in your life?

(Philip Ryken, Written in Stone, 131)

As you can see from this list, it is impossible to keep this commandment perfectly. And this is why we need Jesus Christ. He is the only One who has ever walked this earth to have perfectly honored his father and mother. As God, even His own parents were under His authority. And yet, Luke 5:21 tells us that he was ‘submissive’ to Joseph and Mary. And even on the cross, when he had barely a breath lift in him, he saw his broken mother at his feet and said to her: “Woman, behold, your son!� 27 Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!� And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home.� Jesus honored his mother when he was in terrible agony and still cared even for her physical needs.

Because Jesus was the perfect child, He is able to help imperfect children. Paul writes in 2 Cor 5:21: “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.� When Jesus took our place on the cross, he became the one who cursed his mother out. He became the one who ignored his father. He became the one who held a grudge against his parents. He became the one who rebelled against his parents commands. He who knew no sin against his father and mother but perfectly honored them, became one who completely dishonored them and rebelled against them. When we trust in Jesus, this is what He does for us at the cross. And so how shall we respond to this grace? We worship Him and out of our love and desire to worship Him, we long to actively honor our father and mother. So what are some practical ways we can do this?

Honor Father and Mother While Worshiping God

Honor, Not Worship:

First, and foremost, we need to honor our parents but not worship them. Remember the first commandment. No one is to be our God except God alone. And so, we must continually fight to show them dignity and give them the respect that is due them in light of God’s created order. But they are not to be the center of our lives. Only Christ has that special place and no one else. We also should not live our lives in mortal fear of disappointing our parents. We are not to be their slaves, tending to their beck and call. We can honor them by speaking words of truth, though we need to use gracious, loving, respectful words to them. We must hold onto our convictions, if they really are Gospel convictions, while at the same time doing all that we can to preserve our parents’ dignity and honor (see Thomas Hazard). Paul writes: “Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.� If we are not obeying our parents ‘in the Lord’ most likely we are worshipping our parents.

Respect and Dignity:

Which leads to the next way we can honor our parents: we must show respect and dignity. How can we do this? I would say our tones and manners and appreciation are the primary ways we do this. If we are sarcastic to our parents or curt or unfeeling, then we are failing to honor them. You might think, “But if you knew how he/she has treated me all of these years.� But the Lord gives no exceptions here. We are to show them honor because the LORD asks us to, especially in light of His Son. Perhaps you have never spoken a word of appreciation to your parents, telling them how grateful you are for their provision and care (even if such care has been terribly flawed at times).

Also, I believe this is very practical for parents today of young children. I hope you will see how important it is to teach your children about respect and honor and politeness towards adults. If you don’t teach them this, they will not honor you now or when you are older. Please teach your children to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘may I’ not to be of high society, but for something far greater, because you want them to honor God by honoring God-given authority in their lives. You will find the fruit of such education lasting throughout their lifetime.

Leave, Cleave, Honor:

This next application is regarding marriage and parents and parents-in-law. I had a friend when I was in seminary who believed that when he got married, he would always side with his parents before his wife. Regardless of what I told him, he refused to think. I couldn’t think of a more unbiblical idea in marriage. One of the first words recorded regarding marriage is this text in Gen 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.� In Eph 5:28-31, Paul comments on this text in Gen: “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.�

Because a husband loves a wife as Christ loves the church, for this reason a man is to love his wife and one way this love exhibits itself is to leave father and mother and hold fast to his wife. Can there be a greater human bond than this, one where both Moses and Paul record that two shall become one? The wording has an almost Trinitarian flavor to it. Surely, there is mystery here that even the parent-child relationship cannot hold a candle to.

Husbands, we must love our wives by making certain that our wives, not our parents, are one flesh with us. If we are lifting our mother and father’s wishes over our wives, we are not honoring our parents, we are worshipping our parents. Probably this is more out of a remaining fear of disappointing our parents, that we are servile towards them even to the cost of our wives and our marriage. In this, men, you are worshipping your mom and dad and not your God. Let your parents know that you will fight for their honor, but it cannot be at the cost of your marriage. By God’s grace, His created order is wise and when you trust in Him and follow His wisdom, you will have a blessed marriage and be able to honor your parents.

Listen to Their Counsel:

Next, listen to their counsel so long as you’re not worshiping them. Prov 1:8-9 says: “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, 9 for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.â€? Sometimes we might find our parents’ words tiring. We might think we’ve heard it all from them so we have already tuned them out. But Scripture teaches us that with Christ-centered discernment as our sieve, there could be wisdom in our father’s instruction and mother’s teaching. I am not saying we should follow all that our parents tell us. But I am saying that this commandment demands that we do not so quickly dismiss our parents’ words without at least sifting through them and making certain that we are not merely discarding them because our parents said them.

Also, as parents, we must be mindful that we have a critical task, which is to teach our children. Do not lecture your kids with verbosity and musings. You will find they will be in the habit of turning your words into Charlie Brown’s teacher’s words. The words will become wa-wa-wa-wa words. Make your teaching wise words based on His Word and you will find them to truly be a graceful garland for your children. Thomas Watson offers these words of advice to us parents:

If you would have honor from your children, set them a good example. It makes children despise their parents, when the parents live in contradiction to their own precepts; when they bid their children to be sober, and yet they themselves get drunk; or bid their children fear God, and are themselves loose in their lives.

(Thomas Watson, The Ten Commandments, 137

Care, Not Cast Off:

Finally, care for them and do not cast them off. The story of Joseph in Genesis 46 and his care for his father is moving and telling. Joseph prepares for his reunion with his father by caring for him in his old age. In Gen 50, Joseph oversees the embalming of his father and mourned for him for many days. He made certain that his father’s death wish to be buried in Canaan was followed. Joseph cared for Jacob and did not think his concerns were just the ramblings of an old man. There was deep care and concern for his father. This care is very much in line with NT thinking on caring for elderly parents.

In 1 Tim 5:4, 8, Paul tells Tim: “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God… But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.� A widow is first to be cared for by her adult children. If such children refuse to care for his/her parents, that person is worse than an unbeliever. I have to assume that Paul has in mind the fifth commandment when writing this to Tim. Caring for our elderly parents is a way to honor them. Sometimes this can be a dreadful burden. If your father or mother is living with you and they are no longer able to take care of themselves and you need to do everything for them, will you despise them? Will you revile them? I don’t think this means we can never send them to a nursing home. But if we should take that route, the home should not be a dumping ground for old people. For the Christian, it means we regularly visit and care, even when it is a burden to do so. And our motive in doing so is to worship God by honoring parents.

This commandment is not a burden for us but again a measure of His grace. God cares so much for us that He has given us parents to honor. Without them, we would not have any target upon which we could submit to God’s authority. The only problem occurs when we worship them instead of honoring them. But when we honor in light of God’s grace and in light of Christ’s perfect honoring, oh the blessings we receive.